nodus tollens

 

the first time I heard the phrase

I rolled it in my mouth

over and over

it's perfect 

but somehow it still

makes no sense to me

how could it be

that this word

was the most perfect

explanation of my life

nodus tollens

the realization that the plot

of your life doesn't make sense

anymore

lost

where the hell am I even

what the hell am I even doing

day in

day out

what does it even mean anymore

what does it even matter anymore

fear

​Slipping

My hands are desperate 

Reaching for something

Anything

To hold on to you

Fighting

Begging

Pleading

Please don’t go

You’re supposed to stay 

More broken promises

More empty vows

Why can’t you hear me

I’m screaming so loud

Don’t go

My ears 

Ring

My vision is cloudy

As a bright light flashes and then

Darkness 

We’re off balance

Becoming untethered 

We’re losing us

You’re losing me 

NMTW

It's dark

But I feel my safest with you
In your arms
Being able to hear your voice
Knowing you are there

My world is so calm in a storm
When I'm in your presence
Losing track of time
All I want is to touch you

My heart races and slows with you
It's a phenomenon

Like a lighting storm
That I don't quite get
But look forward to

The roads we've traveled
Twisted and separated
Always merge back

As one

Despite the low visibility 

Let's kiss and make up 
In the rain
As the thunder drowns 

Out the background 

Kiss me as the sun shines

Love me in the afternoon

No matter the weather

Love me how

I love you

Broken Glass

 

You know how a glass slips and everything shatters?

Then for days or even weeks, it's like tiny unseen shards pop up. Randomly hurting you. 

Or even worse. The shards become embedded in your skin. Part of you

So every time you reach for someone, you risk hurting them or yourself even more.

Do you just stop reaching? Do you close yourself off from everybody?

Or do you risk permanent damage digging out the broken glass carelessly?

That's what trauma is. 

Well what it feels like. 

So you sit with this pain, a pain that stays with you for so long that it begins to fade. Like it's always been there. It becomes familiar. 

And when someone attempts to hold your hand, not knowing how many tiny shards of glass it holds, do you just let them? With no warning? 

Do you even feel the need to warn them of something that is so...normal? Something you're so used to that you don't even realize you're supposed to warn them?

And what happens when they awaken the pain again? Do you lash out at them for "causing" you pain? Do you snatch your hand away to stay in denial?

Or do you let them

Hold your hand

Thru all the pain and discomfort

While you pull out the shards one by one

Together and alone?

red paint

here I stand

in a puddle of quicksand

doing my best not to panic

doing my best to trust you

trust that everything will be okay

that we will prevail

but it's hard

because my hands

and arms

they're covered

in red 

from me

it's all over the place

my hands tainted with this red

you won't even reach out to help

you just stand there

watching me sink

watching me fail

all I need is a hand

to grab onto 

but you won't

your hands still at your side

while mines flail about

judgement seeps out of your pores

I feel it suffocating me

I don't even attempt to fight it

this is my punishment

but once

if only one single time in history

I wish you realized

that we have the same tainted hands

with the same red paint.

lost

​in the blink of an eye

everything changed

less than 24 hours

how did we get here?

when did this happen?

i’m so lost

like I took a wrong turn

or missed my exit

I’m in familiar territory 

a place I never wanted to be again

my heart is obliterated

my soul is broken

my body doesn’t feel like my own

I don’t recognize myself 

but in the mirror I look

the same

on the outside

but on the inside

i’m a lost soul once again 

how the hell did I get here again?

third degree burns

my skin burns when you touch me

my heart races and my chest tightens

it's something about you

something about us

the red flags are glaring

but I ignore them all

I want you so bad

but we both know

we aren't good together

so I resist

and I play it safe

wondering should I leave what's for sure

and gamble on you

I want all of you

but you'd settle

for a piece of me

if that meant I wouldn't leave

if it meant I would stay

but you leave me damaged

every chance

every hug

every kiss

leaves a mark on me

it's not safe

you set my soul on fire

I want you at every sunrise

but when you can't give me the moon

you run away until you can

so I keep my distance

and I wait

for my burns to heal

for the damage to ease up

just to do this with you

again and again

cuz I'd rather be hurting with you

than to never be touched

by your love