Intimacy And Me

 I miss intimacy.

I miss being held and kissed on.

My back being kissed.

Being held in my sleep

A hand on my waist

Pulling me closer in the night.

I miss intimacy.

You know where you can be quiet but 

There’s still so much being said

In a good way though

Where we breathe in sync and listen

To each other’s heartbeats

I miss holding hands

Kissing your hands

Kissing your jaws

Playing in your beard

Rubbing on you while you sleep

I miss laughing with you

Hearing you laugh was always a treat

I miss your lips

On mine

I miss touching you

Just having the ability to

Hugging you

I miss intimacy

I miss feeling close to someone

Hearing my name

Telling you I miss you

I wanna be the big spoon again

Wanna put my cold feet on somebody again

I miss taking pics of each other sleeping

And sending them at random times

I wanna fall asleep on the phone again

Count down the days until we meet

I wanna watch movies and cuddle

I wanna share snacks

Find new restaurants together

Run errands

And breathe each others air

Intimacy. 

It took so long to realize it

I missed it before I even knew what it was

But now that I know

I want it back

More than love

More than sex

More than anything

I miss intimacy

I miss that feeling

You know

That feeling when its only one person

One person

That gets you

That understands the parts you don’t

The one you look for 

When you hear a funny joke

Or when you get good news

Or even bad news

I miss that feeling

Of closeness

Even being worlds apart

I miss intimacy

Wanting to be in each other skin

Wanting to be around each other 

Even for five minutes 

I miss being missed.

Anger Is An Emotion

 I wrote this while I was angry.

Angry with you.

Angry with me.

Angry.

Livid actually.

Why must you pick at my scabs?

I just got those.

Just really started to heal.

It still hurts, even bleeding if handled incorrectly.

Yet you pick.

Why?

And why do I let you?

Is it the guilt I feel from how I fumbled you?

The shame I feel whenever I have to explain where you are

Even though I never know where you are in the world

I do know that I carry you with me.

Under my breast

On my ribs

Beneath my arm slightly.

You stay there no matter what

So that means the guilt also stays

And the shame

But mostly the anger.

Some days I’m so mad I wanna set things on fire

But that would mean I’d have to start with me

In the mirror, my reflection

I did this

You helped even though you try to diminish your part

You helped

The times I needed you and you left

When I cried and wasn’t held

The times you paid me dust 

But somehow made me returning the favor a cardinal sin

How do you do it?

Walk away after setting me on fire.

I feel my anger boiling over

I want so badly to hate you

But how could I hate me?

For so long you were me

I was you

Two minds, two hearts, one body

When did it change?

Was it my fault?

Was it yours?

Stop picking at my scabs!

Can’t you see it’s not ready

Not ready to fall off

It hasn’t finished its job

I still have open wounds.

I’ve left you to heal your own

That’s what you wanted right?

To be left alone

Or in better company rather

I understand

I’ve taken that road before

Only I got lost and wanted to turn back

Or I just changed my mind

It escapes me now

Because I’m so damn mad

You continue driving

As you should

You always were a better driver

I’m screaming

I’m crying

I can’t even think

I’m so damn angry

And you

Well you just don’t care

Forgetfulness

 I forgot how simple you were, how you didn't require much. But that was only because I knew how much you deserved. I wanted you to have everything, I wanted to be the one giving it to you.

But I forgot how to love you.

I forgot that you liked when I slept on your back. I forgot how much you liked corny jokes. 

I forgot to kiss you more, to love you more, to touch you.

I forgot you were sensitive, more sensitive than you'd ever admit to anyone else but you felt safe enough to tell me. 

I forgot to make you smile. I forgot to hold your hand on your roughest days. I forgot to cook for you more. I forgot to listen.

I forgot to pour into you, not just sexually because I forgot that too but more emotionally, more intellectually. I forgot to think of you first. 

I forgot how much you cared about me. I forgot you'd do anything for me, even run to the moon and back. I forgot you loved me. I forgot.

I forgot how much you meant to me, how just seeing your name made me smile like an idiot.

I forgot to watch movies with you. I forgot to be patient. I forgot to stop being petty.

I forgot to stop running. I forgot you were all mines and I was yours.

I forgot I was the moon and the sun for you. I forgot you were how I got up in the morning most days.

I forgot how you held me in my moments of need. I forgot to forgive you when I wouldn't let you be.

I forgot to show you every part of me. I forgot you wouldn't judge me. I forgot you understood me.

I forgot to listen. 

I forgot to be the big spoon. I forgot that little things don't matter.

I forgot to block out the background noise. I forgot that you are who you are and that I was lucky to have you. 

I forgot to cry. I forgot that you cried. I forgot our connection and our bond. 

I forgot that one really bad day shouldn't take away all the good days. 

I forgot how to make you laugh. 

I forgot to buy you tea even though I know all your favorites.

I forgot you weren't the enemy most of the time, I just didn't know how to process my thoughts to remember that.

I forgot to love you. 

I forgot that you were easy to love.

I forgot how excited you get talking about your career. 

I forgot how to listen when you talked about your car.

I forgot to watch that movie I didn't really want to watch but you did so it shouldn't have mattered.

I forgot g.

I forgot how you slept on the floor with me. I forgot how you knew my thoughts before I spoke a word, if I spoke.

I forgot to paint with you. I forgot to put down my phone and enjoy you.

I forgot to let you bite me. 

I forgot your insecurities instead of loving them away.

I forgot not to be jealous. 

I forgot how much you loved wearing black but you hated white shoes.

I forgot overexposure on the internet.

I forgot how you didn't even really laugh until our second year together but somehow I made you laugh.

I forgot how you liked big cat videos.

I forgot to share Tony Baker videos with you.

I forgot how you spoke computer to me, fully knowing I didn't understand but I heard the passion so it didn't matter that it was foreign language.

I forgot how much you liked juice. I bought some for the first time in months and it was two flavors you always mixed.

I forgot to get you strawberries more often. The organic kind are in my fridge but you aren't here to eat them.

I forgot how you slept with your hands crossed some days. 

I forgot to make you sandwiches, you know the gourmet kind.

I forgot to keep bothering you in your sleep because I could never sleep as long as you and I missed you when I was up.

I forgot to kiss you in your sleep. 

I forgot to check on you when you were sick.

I forgot to ask you about your day. 

I forgot to be your friend because sometimes you needed that more than a girlfriend.

I forgot to be logical.

I forgot that you aren't a toy even though I never really thought you were but I did treat you like one.

I forgot to speak up. I forgot how we had plans, big plans. 

I forgot not to get drunk and call you. I forgot that you hated when that seemed to be the only time I could express myself.

I forgot to be the moon. I forgot to be the sun.

I forgot that love truly is patience and forgiveness.

I forgot to forget my pride. 

I forgot you were worth it and they never were. 

I forgot to stop hurting you. Idk why I did that.

I forgot how to love you.

But I won't forget again.