did you feel that?

It was subtle

Barely noticeable 

At first

But I felt it

I noticed

It was the end

Tiny little pieces broke away

Tiny little parts of me

Of you

They fell apart

So small that they weren’t always noticeable

But I felt it

Did you feel that?

The moment you stopped loving me

The moment I no longer saw you

It happened so fast

You couldn’t even see it

But I felt it

Did you feel that?

The energy I pushed your way

On days I felt yours low

On days when you were hurting most

I sent the best parts of me to you

Did you feel it?

The days you felt alone and abandoned

I surrounded you with all the love I had

Did you feel it?

I was there even when I wasn’t

Even when it hurt to be

Did you feel me?

Or did you just not care?

Was it too late?

Did it no longer matter?

Did you feel me slipping away?

Because I did

I felt your light going out

Your skin was dull

No more smiles 

A darkness covered you

I felt that

You stopped talking

Stopped crying

Stopped being

I felt that

Your touch was different

Love was there

But nothing else

And love is never enough

No matter how much we had

I felt it

I felt you leave before you ever did

Before the words were ever said

The tears were ever cried

The pain was ever felt

I felt it

I felt you in every way 

But somehow 

You didn’t feel me at all

Love is...

 what is that?

Is it your smile?

Your laugh?

Is it how you care for others?

What is love?

Is it a good joke?

Or a really good book?

Is it a hug when you need it most?

What is love?

For you?

Is it when only one person makes your day right?

Or when the barista gets your coffee

Exactly how you like it?

Is it a child’s laugh? 

Or a lover’s kiss?

Is it your favorite show?

What is love?

Is it pictures?

Of you?

Do you love yourself?

All the scars and bruises, healed or not?

The mistake you made 10 years ago,

Can you love yourself in spite of it?

Will you?

What is love?

Is it finally getting to your bed after a long day?

Is it laughing with your friends?

Singing with your siblings?

Is it a good ass meal?

Or your favorite song?

What is love?

Do you seek it?

Is it attainable?

Do you dance in it?

Is it silence?

Or so loud your whole body shakes?

Does the world go silent when you’re with them?

What is love?

dear [redacted]

this is one of many

letters that I wrote you

some were love letters

some were goodbyes

they all had the same theme

you and I

no John Legend

that was corny I know

but what’s life without corny jokes

I hope you read this with an open mind

if you read this at all

I wanted to write something beautiful

something that really would hit you in the heart

something that would make you feel

but that somehow feels selfish

because why would I pull at you like that

when I know it’s different between us

some cuz of me

some cuz of you

but this letter

I couldn’t really write it

not how I wanted to

because despite all the ways I changed

and all the sessions with my therapist

I’m still not ready

to be that open

with you

with myself

love is about transparency

vulnerability 

trust

comfort

intimacy

we had a lot of that

at different times

but consistently?

nah I wasn’t ready for that

so instead I wrote you letters

letters you never knew about

that I kept hidden

some in my heart

some in my notebooks

you see it's hard for me

to be that way

and though I still can’t talk about some things

I wanted you to know

I wrote you letters

saying the things I should have said

explaining the things I couldn't

love letters

hurt letters

happy 

and sad letters

I wrote of the future

and of the past

I wrote you letters

but you’ll never read em