dear [redacted]

this is one of many

letters that I wrote you

some were love letters

some were goodbyes

they all had the same theme

you and I

no John Legend

that was corny I know

but what’s life without corny jokes

I hope you read this with an open mind

if you read this at all

I wanted to write something beautiful

something that really would hit you in the heart

something that would make you feel

but that somehow feels selfish

because why would I pull at you like that

when I know it’s different between us

some cuz of me

some cuz of you

but this letter

I couldn’t really write it

not how I wanted to

because despite all the ways I changed

and all the sessions with my therapist

I’m still not ready

to be that open

with you

with myself

love is about transparency

vulnerability 

trust

comfort

intimacy

we had a lot of that

at different times

but consistently?

nah I wasn’t ready for that

so instead I wrote you letters

letters you never knew about

that I kept hidden

some in my heart

some in my notebooks

you see it's hard for me

to be that way

and though I still can’t talk about some things

I wanted you to know

I wrote you letters

saying the things I should have said

explaining the things I couldn't

love letters

hurt letters

happy 

and sad letters

I wrote of the future

and of the past

I wrote you letters

but you’ll never read em